Albert Einstein and the relativity of love

(From the book: In Love & Pain: Exploring the tubulent romantic lives of great thinkers) https://shorturl.at/uAUCh

The following text is an extract from a letter sent by Albert Einstein to his girlfriend—later wife—Mileva Marić in 1900:

I long terribly for a letter from my beloved witch. I can hardly believe that we will be separated for much longer - only now do I see how madly in love with you I am (…)

How was I able to live alone before, my little everything? Without you I lack self-confidence, pleasure in work, pleasure in living—in short, without you my life is no life.

In 1914, nine years and two children into their marriage, the situation had changed dramatically. If Mileva Marić had any expectations of remaining married to Einstein, she was expected to fulfil the conditions of the following contract:

1. You must ensure that:

• you keep my clothes and those of the house in good condition.

• you serve me three meals a day in my room.

• you keep my bedroom and study clean, and it must be clear that my work table is for my exclusive use.

2. You will renounce any kind of personal relationship with me insofar as they are not strictly necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will renounce:

• sitting at home next to me.

• walking or travelling together.

3. You will take into account the following points:

• we will not maintain intimate relations, nor will you reproach me for anything.

•  you will stop talking to me if I ask you to.

•  you will leave my bedroom or study immediately, and without protest, if I ask you to.

4. You will promise not to belittle me in front of our children, either by word or deed.

So what happened? How is it possible that genuine affection and deep love change so abruptly? Was love also relative? Did it depend on time and space? Did love also bend like light in the presence of intense gravitational fields? Ah, stupid questions! A scientist of Einstein’s calibre should not waste time on such trivialities. The truth is that he had always been accused of being too distant with his loved ones, of not fully connecting on emotional matters. And at the same time, how unfair was that reproach! His love letters to Mileva Marić prove the opposite. He may not have been the best father, but he truly cared for his two sons. He even cried like a child when his mother died. Albert Einstein was undoubtedly a man of singular complexities and sharp contradictions. In that sense, he was not that special. What set him apart from others was his remarkable ability to detach from what was happening around him, he could focus for hours at a time, on any scientific problem that he set his mind to. Cognitive detachment was his superpower—that made him special. It was a very rare ability, as was his capacity to conduct mental experiments and to visualise, in a simple way, what would otherwise be a highly complex and abstract problem. It was thanks to this gift that his theories attained a level of accessibility rare in theoretical physics.

A NEW LIGHT

The Einstein family had been wealthy in the past, although when Albert was born in 1879, things were not so good—circumstances were a bit more precarious. His father, along with other members of his family, had several businesses related to urban lighting. At the time, electric light was in its infancy but soon became a necessity in many cities. Einstein’s father was lucky enough to obtain contracts in different cities of the then-German Empire, but they always seemed to go wrong.

The future Nobel laureate was born and grew up in a time of enormous technological optimism, a consequence of the great advances of the era. He would later put the most beautiful lyrics, in the form of equations, to a melody that had been playing for several decades: scientism.

In many European countries during the 19th century, once a family reached a certain economic level, its members were expected to comply with specific standards of behaviour. This period marked the ascent of the bourgeoisie—a powerful social class not descended from aristocrats—and of capitalism, which brought with it a set of moral values. Some of them were liberating, such as social mobility, but others were highly restrictive, such as the need to appear "respectable" in all areas of life. Everything was subject to the scrutiny of neighbours, who severely judged any deviation in clothing, tastes, manners, language, or courtship.

All this was too much for Einstein. From a very young age, he was a rebel within the bourgeois class itself. He had no patience for such conventions and, whenever possible, did exactly as he pleased. In fact, as a child, he already displayed a pronounced eccentricity, exacerbated by his "nerdy" appearance. He was not the most popular kid among his schoolmates, though this didn't bother him much as he didn't have a very good opinion of them either.

The adolescent Albert used to record in different notebooks scientific and philosophical observations that transcended his age. However, his delayed linguistic development sparked family concern; when he finally began to speak, he would often repeat phrases to himself. His family suspected something was wrong. His father, Hermann Einstein, believed the best path for his son was a "useful" profession—meaning one that could aid the family business. Electrical engineering seemed perfect.

Albert, however, had his own plans. He insisted on studying at the Swiss Federal Polytechnical School in Zurich. While not the most prestigious institution, it was the best option for an inquisitive boy who played the violin wonderfully and spent his time distractedly thinking about... God knows what!

There are many myths regarding Einstein’s intellectual ability. One is that he was an outstanding student in all subjects, but in reality, he was quite poor at Greek and History, and not much better at French. However, his mind undeniably moved at a different speed when it came to physics or philosophy—his intellect operated on a different frequency. While he was naturally gifted at mathematics, he did not initially stand out for his mathematical elaborations at the Polytechnic.

Einstein was a child prodigy who moved at his own pace, holding his own ideas about education and scientific problem-solving. It is likely that by today's standards, he might have been diagnosed with a mixture of Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and dyslexia. These conditions caused him significant friction during his academic life. At the Polytechnic, he gained a reputation as a "difficult" student, which had negative consequences later on: he would soon struggle to find work, as some of his teachers refused to provide positive references for a young man who seemed more like a bohemian provocateur than a disciplined academic.

Learn more about the romantic lives of great thinkers here

FIRST LOVE

When Einstein applied to the Polytechnic, he was only sixteen years old, and the school did not typically accept anyone under the age of eighteen. Because he was clearly a special case, they decided to evaluate him academically with an entrance exam. Although the math and physics sections were a piece of cake for him, he struggled in other areas. The director of the Polytechnic advised him to stay in Switzerland to study at a local school and try again the following year.

He moved to the town of Aarau where, fortunately, the school had a much more liberal approach than his rigid old school in Germany. Einstein stayed during the academic year in the home of one of the teachers, Jost Winteler—a common arrangement at the time. Jost and his wife Pauline also had a liberal mindset that resonated deeply with Albert. It was not a quiet house, as the Winteers had seven children, yet Einstein felt more at ease there than with his own family. He thrived in an atmosphere where family and friends discussed books and music over meals, arranged excursions, and threw parties. Albert’s skills on the violin did not go unnoticed; for an attractive young man with no self-esteem problems, this environment allowed him to flourish.

Marie, the prettiest of the Winteler’s daughters, was eighteen—two years older than Einstein. Sometimes, while he played the violin, she accompanied him on the piano. She could not help but admire this boy who was so different from anyone she had ever met. Albert was not indifferent to Marie’s beauty and sweetness, and they soon started a relationship that went beyond friendship. His feelings for Marie were recorded in letters in which he wrote: "You mean more to my soul than the whole world did before."

Marie’s greatest fear, however, was that Einstein would not find her stimulating enough—that she was not his intellectual equal. She worried that he would eventually realise she was not, and never would be, "good enough" for him. Einstein didn't give it much thought at first, but Marie's premonitions would eventually prove correct.

When Einstein finally passed the entrance exam for the Polytechnic, he moved to Zurich and left the Winteler home. It was a difficult departure as he had found a second family there. Marie was also leaving home to become a schoolteacher in Olsberg. She convinced herself the separation was temporary and that she would soon be with her beloved Albert. He promised to write, and she dutifully volunteered to do his laundry on the weekends: to his convenience, Einstein would send her all his dirty clothes and receive them back clean. Albert Einstein, however, did not write a single line to her and Marie found it strange that he would not even include a "thank-you" note with the laundry. Given his growing coldness, she suspected—not without reason—that something was wrong. Her worst fear was true: the cosmopolitan atmosphere of Zurich and Einstein’s visceral aversion to the conventional bourgeoisie that Marie represented led him to distance himself from her. Furthermore, he had met another girl—an enigmatic woman of formidable intellectual capacity and a wonderful mind. The loving, good-natured Marie simply could not compete with that.

This text is an extract from the book: In Love & Pain: Exploring the tubulent romantic lives of great thinkers https://shorturl.at/uAUCh